(Steps One thru Four: Assemble Missive)
1. Empty bottle.
2. Tightly roll alibis and excuses into discrete cylinder.
3. Slip cylinder of alibis and excuses through bottle neck.
4. Secure contents of bottle with air-tight seal.
(Steps Five and Six: Launch Missive)
5. Locate major body of water.
6. Apply maximum force in projecting loaded bottle onto major body of water.
(Steps Seven thru Nine: Missive Recovery)
IMPORTANT NOTE: The following are the most delicate and precarious steps in the process due to the absence of object and instrument.
7. Envision bottle intact, contents preserved, washing ashore at some distant and future location.
8. Assume preserved bottle to be found, and enclosed missive to be recovered, by some distant and future sentient beings.
9. Consider, with awe and dread, the possibility those distant and future missive-receivers will put to better use than you were ever able your alibis and your excuses.
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What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculties! in form and moving, how express and admirable! in action, how like an angel! in apprehension, how like a god!
